Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Orion
I stooped down to pick up the starfish that had crawled up my foot and throw it back to the lulling sea. Just goes to show how long I’ve stood still while the waves of the sea licked my feet. The music that flowed from my earphones throbbed slowly in my head.
Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
and find a love to call your own…
The evening breeze swept all around me, hugging me, sharing its coldness. Freezing, even more, my freezing heart, my mind, and my soul. It seems funny, though, how I can somewhat relate to the song I’m listening to.
… No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
no one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
making new resolutions a hundred times…
I walked down the beach and kicked the water that lapped at my feet, a thousand thoughts clouding my clouded mind. Yeah, no one wants to be alone at Christmas time, that’s true. How unlucky of me. This would be a Christmas I would not readily forget and would easily remember with the slightest hint. What happened was quite a blur. I didn’t, couldn’t, and probably wouldn’t want to understand anything at all. All I knew that my heart was breaking, something that has happened before but not with the intensity it has right now. This would be the worst Christmas in the history of my Christmases.
The song I was listening to was coming to an end.
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day…
… Bye bye baby, bye bye babe…
All I wanted that Christmas was to have her right here, by my side, exchanging sweet words, giggling, kissing. Having the perfect evening together.
I walked a few meters away from the sea and then sank down to my knees and flopped down on the cool sand. I lay on my back and I looked up at the vast velvet blanket of the gods of Greece and Rome. The skies were remarkably clear, giving me a very clear vision of the constellations that dotted the heavens. I recognized Orion immediately, with his glittering belt. I wanted to turn away and find some other more constellations but I couldn’t do anything to the forces that were pushing my memories into the light.
It was barely just two months ago, on this very same beach only farther down the coastline. She was lying close beside me pointing to various constellations that she knew. ‘And there is big dipper!’ She pointed to a constellation with three bright stars all lined up. I laughed at her mistake, the same one I had when I was stargazing with my cousin eons ago. She looked at me with her bright eyes and pinched my arm playfully, ‘What?’
‘That’s the big dipper.’ I took her hand and pointed it to the real big dipper. I looked at her face and saw that it lit up as understanding dawned on her. ‘Oh,’ she whispered, ‘So, what’s that?’ She pointed back to the Tres Marias.
‘Honey, that’s the belt of Orion.’
I took her hand again and together we traced the outline of Orion, his head, the hand holding a sword, and all the way to his feet. She was giggling softly all the time we were tracing Orion. ‘How stupid of me!’ She said as we finished tracing.
‘Yeah,’ I said, playfully pinching her nose at the same time, ‘Very stupid.’
She put on her you-made-me-angry-now-I’m-going-to-kill-you look and wrestled with me. We rolled all around the soft sand for a while until I pinned her underneath me. I held on to her wrists and kept them on the sand. The both of us were laughing our hearts out. After that hearty laugh, I was still on top of her, pinning her to the ground. She didn’t resist, even a bit. I dipped my face and gave her a kiss that came from the bottom of my warm heart. She responded with her soft lips. She snuggled closer to me and wrapped her arm around me. Even though that night was cold, we found ourselves to be warm and we slept on the beach the whole night. We really, truly, loved each other.
That was barely two months ago, before her leukemia broke out and started to get a hold of her fragile body and death slowly sucking the life out of her. I was there the whole time, watching her fight for her life in the ICU. It was so hard for me to just look in the window and stare at her, with all the wires and tubes attached to her body. One could hardly believe that this girl was so full of life just a few weeks ago. I would enter her room sometimes, when the doctor allowed me to. I had to scrub before going in and when I did get to her bedside, I would almost cry. I would hold her hand with my gloved ones during the thirty minutes allotted to me. And then I would talk to her, like any normal day, like she would answer back.
The last time I saw her alive, she barely looked like the love I had running around with me, fooling around, messing around… Her long, auburn hair was almost gone from all the chemotherapies she had. Her sun-kissed skin was a shade of sickly white. I held her hand and spoke to her like all the other times. But this time, her hand moved slightly to grasp mine. I couldn’t speak. Her eyes fluttered a bit and then her hand moved. She closed her hand except the index finger.
One.
Then she extended the rest, except her thumb.
Four.
Then she curled up her pinky.
Three.
‘I love you too, so much!’ was all I could say to her. A tear made its way down my cheek. She wiped it with her quivering hand. I took her hand and kissed it. Moments later, the doctor asked me to leave. I reluctantly did.
I received a call from her mother the next morning.
‘Tim, it’s Gwen, she’s…. she’s….’ Gwen’s mother cried.
‘Don't be sad Tim,’ Gwen told me as she held my hand while we walked down the beach, ‘My time came, I had to go. They were calling me, up there. Now, now, don't you cry... Remember Orion, Tim... remember my promise that whenever we are apart, just look up at him and remember that I’m also looking up at the same stars. I love you Tim, I’ll never forget you.’ She let go of my hand and slowly faded away.
I woke up on the beach shouting her name.
I looked up at Orion.
Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
and find a love to call your own…
The evening breeze swept all around me, hugging me, sharing its coldness. Freezing, even more, my freezing heart, my mind, and my soul. It seems funny, though, how I can somewhat relate to the song I’m listening to.
… No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
no one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
making new resolutions a hundred times…
I walked down the beach and kicked the water that lapped at my feet, a thousand thoughts clouding my clouded mind. Yeah, no one wants to be alone at Christmas time, that’s true. How unlucky of me. This would be a Christmas I would not readily forget and would easily remember with the slightest hint. What happened was quite a blur. I didn’t, couldn’t, and probably wouldn’t want to understand anything at all. All I knew that my heart was breaking, something that has happened before but not with the intensity it has right now. This would be the worst Christmas in the history of my Christmases.
The song I was listening to was coming to an end.
I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day…
… Bye bye baby, bye bye babe…
All I wanted that Christmas was to have her right here, by my side, exchanging sweet words, giggling, kissing. Having the perfect evening together.
I walked a few meters away from the sea and then sank down to my knees and flopped down on the cool sand. I lay on my back and I looked up at the vast velvet blanket of the gods of Greece and Rome. The skies were remarkably clear, giving me a very clear vision of the constellations that dotted the heavens. I recognized Orion immediately, with his glittering belt. I wanted to turn away and find some other more constellations but I couldn’t do anything to the forces that were pushing my memories into the light.
It was barely just two months ago, on this very same beach only farther down the coastline. She was lying close beside me pointing to various constellations that she knew. ‘And there is big dipper!’ She pointed to a constellation with three bright stars all lined up. I laughed at her mistake, the same one I had when I was stargazing with my cousin eons ago. She looked at me with her bright eyes and pinched my arm playfully, ‘What?’
‘That’s the big dipper.’ I took her hand and pointed it to the real big dipper. I looked at her face and saw that it lit up as understanding dawned on her. ‘Oh,’ she whispered, ‘So, what’s that?’ She pointed back to the Tres Marias.
‘Honey, that’s the belt of Orion.’
I took her hand again and together we traced the outline of Orion, his head, the hand holding a sword, and all the way to his feet. She was giggling softly all the time we were tracing Orion. ‘How stupid of me!’ She said as we finished tracing.
‘Yeah,’ I said, playfully pinching her nose at the same time, ‘Very stupid.’
She put on her you-made-me-angry-now-I’m-going-to-kill-you look and wrestled with me. We rolled all around the soft sand for a while until I pinned her underneath me. I held on to her wrists and kept them on the sand. The both of us were laughing our hearts out. After that hearty laugh, I was still on top of her, pinning her to the ground. She didn’t resist, even a bit. I dipped my face and gave her a kiss that came from the bottom of my warm heart. She responded with her soft lips. She snuggled closer to me and wrapped her arm around me. Even though that night was cold, we found ourselves to be warm and we slept on the beach the whole night. We really, truly, loved each other.
That was barely two months ago, before her leukemia broke out and started to get a hold of her fragile body and death slowly sucking the life out of her. I was there the whole time, watching her fight for her life in the ICU. It was so hard for me to just look in the window and stare at her, with all the wires and tubes attached to her body. One could hardly believe that this girl was so full of life just a few weeks ago. I would enter her room sometimes, when the doctor allowed me to. I had to scrub before going in and when I did get to her bedside, I would almost cry. I would hold her hand with my gloved ones during the thirty minutes allotted to me. And then I would talk to her, like any normal day, like she would answer back.
The last time I saw her alive, she barely looked like the love I had running around with me, fooling around, messing around… Her long, auburn hair was almost gone from all the chemotherapies she had. Her sun-kissed skin was a shade of sickly white. I held her hand and spoke to her like all the other times. But this time, her hand moved slightly to grasp mine. I couldn’t speak. Her eyes fluttered a bit and then her hand moved. She closed her hand except the index finger.
One.
Then she extended the rest, except her thumb.
Four.
Then she curled up her pinky.
Three.
‘I love you too, so much!’ was all I could say to her. A tear made its way down my cheek. She wiped it with her quivering hand. I took her hand and kissed it. Moments later, the doctor asked me to leave. I reluctantly did.
I received a call from her mother the next morning.
‘Tim, it’s Gwen, she’s…. she’s….’ Gwen’s mother cried.
‘Don't be sad Tim,’ Gwen told me as she held my hand while we walked down the beach, ‘My time came, I had to go. They were calling me, up there. Now, now, don't you cry... Remember Orion, Tim... remember my promise that whenever we are apart, just look up at him and remember that I’m also looking up at the same stars. I love you Tim, I’ll never forget you.’ She let go of my hand and slowly faded away.
I woke up on the beach shouting her name.
I looked up at Orion.
Here, you will find my poems, compositions, whatever comes into my mind when I sit down in front of my computer.... don't ask why the title of the blog is such...
